Sunday, 11 January 2009

i had a nightmare the other night
i dreamt i had just finished school late one afternoon
and was walking out on my way home
and then i saw him there
leaning against the wall
wearing his favourite leather jacket
looking so casual

he came towards me
smiling that smile of his
but it didnt quite reach his eyes
then he took my books and said
"i've got the cancer, rissy."

and i just kept screaming
i kept denying it
that it wasnt possible
i kept screaming "no!"
and that he wasnt supposed to die

and he told me
it was either him or lin
and he'd rather him

and i kept running and running
and i didnt want to stop
i dont know why
i was so afraid of losing someone again
i knew i couldnt lose someone again

then the scene changed
this time it was her
she was standing at the top of a building
and i was standing behind
i screamed
telling her not too
like i knew what she was about to do
i yelled at her to come back

but all she did was to turn back and wave
before she literally walked off the building

i started running again
i felt trapped like i couldnt get out
i felt ivisible binds pulling at my legs
as i screamed for it to stop

i guessed i had forgotten all about it
until we talked about death tonight
no , it's not your fault
it's just my head being whacked up again
really dont worry(:

i guess i really couldnt stand losing anyone
even if it's time for him or her to leave
i'd still wont be able to take it
it's like i've got a special connection
and everytime someone i hold dear moves on
part of me dies along with it

after D went away
i realized i stopped dreaming
i realized i became a cynic that never existed in me before

after watching my childhood friend lost her mum
i realized i tried never to fight with my parents again
i realized i wanted to spend more time with them
instead of being 24/7 away

in a way it was good
in another it wasnt
either way i know
i wouldnt be able to take it if someone leaves
i'd just breakdown

and maybe it's not just me
maybe there are may out there who feels the same way
maybe everyone out there knows someone who feels
that live isnt worth living anymore
and that they are ready to die

and perhaps its just cause
that suicidal person just doesnt know how it'd affects others
maybe when they reach heaven
they'd realized that it wasn't what they wanted after all

who knows

so we said; thee, thee, hear. 22:49