Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Courage is the ability to see things through.

I never had the courage to say what I really think.
So I wrote, or rather typed it out.
And this was what I said:

"What happened to us that now we can barely stand each other?

What happened to no matter what happens the most important thing was that we had each other?

What happened that now you don't hug me, don't kiss me, don't want to see me because you just saw me 5 minutes ago?

What happened to us that we don't talk to each other anymore?

We don't share secrets with each other.

We don't share secret smiles.

We don't have anymore inside jokes.

We don't exchange nonsense.

We don't flirt with each other.

We don't desperately want to see each other, hug each other, kiss each other, touch each other.

We fill our lives up with everything else, leaving each other behind.

I miss the 'us' where we didn't play mind-games, we didn't have a 'tit-for-tat' system.

I miss the 'us' where we could joke about everything and anything.

I miss the 'us' where we'd turn to each other for support first before we looked for anyone else.

I miss the 'us' where we said, "No matter what happens, it'll be okay, because we still have each other."

I miss the 'us' where I look forward to seeing you, not dread it because you have something else more important than me on later on.

I miss the 'us' where I was your special baby and we have sugar names for each other even though we said it was stupid at the start.

I miss you telling me that you love me, and have me reply you that I loved you too.

I miss you hugging me and apologising to me when you made me cry.

I miss how you'd spoil me silly, always give in to me, always letting me win.

I hate how sour this relationship has become. And I hate that it feels like we fighting for different things now. When did it ever happen? When did it start? How did it go wrong? What went so wrong that whenever we saw each other, we just wanted it to be over with so we can get on with other things?

I know I did a thousand and one things wrong through the whole relationship.

I made you feel under-appreciated. I took you for granted over many things. I may have inadvertently made you feel unwanted. I never meant it that way. I'm sorry that I've made you feel that way.

I'm not good with saying my emotions out, I turn to writing to let out my emotions. But even then, every word is guarded and I barely manage to convey what I truly feel, just because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

But I forget, by not doing so, I hurt you, and I set myself up for more pain when you retaliate because you cannot understand why I keep refusing to acknowledge what you've done for me.

I'm tired of guarding my heart from you, when you're the one whom I'm not supposed to guard it from.

I'm tired of treating this relationship as a battlefield.

I want to come to you when I'm drained and tired and have you hug me and tell me "It's okay." not treat you like one of those people who are out to hurt me.

I want to whine and complain to you and pour out all the injustice done to me by the world and have you tell me "You can beat them. Don't let them get you down. You've got me behind you."

I want to be the center of your world again."

After thinking about it for awhile
I clicked send
Hoping my feelings would reach you
My desperation
My pain
My hope for the both of us.

And you told me you read it
And you said

On x/xx/12, at 9:16 PM, X wrote:
> i hope what you're saying is from the heart

As I felt my lungs caved in on me again
And I try block out my emotions
I wondered if you still remember this:



And all our dreams that came and went with it.

This isn't good for my health.
Not at all.

so we said; thee, thee, hear. 19:27