mystery♥.
.
dream like dreamers do♥.
in my ears .
just another crush♥.
,
And speak in a language you can understand.
" is a photodiary I've decided to initiate, compiling day to day events with a snapshot of a moment of the day.
snapshot of a minute in my life, that caught my eye, with a caption of sorts, either explaining the picture or describing my emotions.
I have been told that I never really open up myself to others, and more often than not, I leave people wondering what I truly feel or giving them confusing signals.
Thus, this photodiary, is in a sense, a window to my head.
All my thoughts, my emotions, everything I usually keep out-of-sight, will be put under here, other then my regular blog posts, which are usually not very informative.
Welcome, to the chaos and mess in my head.
I hope you'd find something that speaks to you, whether to pull you through something difficult, or to relate to.
When You're Up All Night
Friday, 9 August 2013
Staying up makes me chance upon articles after articles written by complete strangers. Articles that reflect so much of me, that after reading, I smile and say, I know that feeling. They help me understand that I am not alone here, that there are people out there who are also going through or have went through the same struggles as I have. There are people out there who have made the same mistakes as I have, and still managed to survive and get through it and come out stronger at the end.
When I think of the twenty years of my life, I, myself, am surprised at the things that I've gone through. Not because I had thought I couldn't get through them, but because they are things that not many twenty-year-olds can say they've done. They aren't things that I am proud of. But they have shaped me into the person I am today. And for that I am eternally grateful.
With my body a ticking time-bomb, I haven't a clue how long I have left. I am not angry that my time may be shorter than everyone else's. But I am afraid. And sad. Afraid that I may not have enough time to say the things that I need to say, or do the things that I want to do. I am scared of being alone when it happens. Should it happen, and should no one be able to save me, I wish to at least be surrounded by the people I love. Even though it's a really selfish thing to wish.
Last night was a scary night, where for the first time, I had two attacks in a row. And everything just clicked into place and reality just hit me: I may not have the time I need to finish whatever I want or need to do. I called B, Ig and L and told them that I really do love and appreciate everything they've done for me. I told S and E the same, and their reactions were so predictable. HAHAH
I have yet to tell my parents, because I don't want to add on to their worries. As much as I know they have to been kept informed, right now, I just want things to settle down first before telling them about my worsening condition.
I came up with a list of people that I thought I should make peace with. Honestly, I think it's a win-win situation. If I made peace and I do go, at least I've made my peace. If I don't go, then well, my life would be happier wouldn't it?
Everyone's worried because I am unusually cheery about all of these. But I am honestly fine.
To you:
I hope you don't stay angry with me for too long. I know I came off presumptuous and pushy (or at least, I'd feel that way if I were in your shoes). I know I had said I would give you the time you need. But unfortunately things have turned out this way, and time is no longer mine to give. I do stand by what I said and if you think that I'm wrong, then feel free to correct me. I don't know if you'd even see this. And I am a coward for saying this here instead of facing you directly. I think it's sad how something good turned out bad in the end. And as much as I know that we both could do our own parts to turn the ending around, I also understand that it is up to our own free will. I just never liked stories with sad endings. Maybe that's why I still watch so many cartoons HAHAH! If it would make things easier, then I wish we never met.
Labels: In 365 Days, Reflection
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 11:58