fall for a stranger , scandalous❤.
mystery♥.
Nerissa Clarice Tan13th May
Simply adores curious clothes , quirky songs and funny shows .
Oh , did I mention ? She love/hates her favourite people too
oxox
those poets♥
the secrets underneath♥
dream like dreamers do♥.
A rainbow in the sky
The sound of your laughter in my ears .
just another crush♥.
This blogger henceforth shall attempt to write unashamedly,
Take lots of pictures without embarrassment,
And speak in a language you can understand.Not.
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In 365 Days♥
"In 365 Days" is a photodiary I've decided to initiate, compiling day to day events with a snapshot of a moment of the day.
It is the snapshot of a minute in my life, that caught my eye, with a caption of sorts, either explaining the picture or describing my emotions.
I have been told that I never really open up myself to others, and more often than not, I leave people wondering what I truly feel or giving them confusing signals.
Thus, this photodiary, is in a sense, a window to my head.
All my thoughts, my emotions, everything I usually keep out-of-sight, will be put under here, other then my regular blog posts, which are usually not very informative.
Welcome, to the chaos and mess in my head. I hope you'd find something that speaks to you, whether to pull you through something difficult, or to relate to.
Welcome to 365 Days of my life.
In 365 Days
just ask♥
ask them questions
don't leave your answers
Identity
Sunday, 1 September 2013
I started out this blog post with the title "This too shall pass" because lately I've been on a literal emotional roller coaster ride and I wanted to pen down all my emotions and get rid of it. And I shall. But not yet, because I realised that I have something else more important to pen down first. But as I sit here typing this, I'm not too sure how to put everything in place. So I shall just go with the flow.
Forgive me if everything seems cluttered and unorganised.
I used to have a friend back in Primary School. Used to because we're now mere acquaintances and chasing after different things in life. We met in Primary Three/Four and were as close as anything. We shared a great love for books and words and stories. We came up with our own (well, mostly she did and I read them). I was too afraid to be different. She wasn't. She developed her identity really early in life, which I am still envious about. But if you asked her, she'd probably tell you something different. Like how she was the one too afraid to be herself and how she was envious of me being able to mix well with everyone else.
I enjoyed her company. Recess time suddenly became fun because I was with her (we sat in different seats in class). For a pair of nine/ten-year-olds, we talked about a thousand and one things that nine/ten-year-olds never talked about. We made things up, we debated (yes! Debated!) on our small view of the world, we were, for the lack of better words, as thick as thieves.
Then the eventual Primary Four streaming happened, and we got split up. She did really well and went off to a much better class than I did. I felt hurt and betrayed of sorts. Weren't we meant to be together forever? And I did one of the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. One that, till today, I still regret. I pushed the blame on her and distanced myself from her. I would run away when she tried to talk to me, or if she did try to catch me, I wouldn't listen. I guess I must have driven her to desperation because she decided to reach out to me through a letter, which I still keep till today. She wrote it on her favourite Harry Potter stationery no less. Thinking back, I now realise how important I was to her. And it saddens me that I single-handedly destroyed our budding relationship.
Today, she's pursuing what she loves best. As am I. She's had a head-start though as she figured out her own identity faster than I did. To me, it seemed as though she found it seamlessly, although, I know that the journey there must have been a tough one. Still, she always gave me the impression that she found her calling easily and I do envy her for it (but no longer with childish jealousy, but rather pride that I knew her once).
I struggled for the longest of time with my own. Was I a writer, a dreamer, an athlete, a dancer or what? People who know me, don't actually know me. How can they when I've yet to figure out what was I? I have many passions for a great variety of things, I knew myself that I was many things. I am the party girl, the studious student, the go-getter, the quiet wallflower, the baker, the foodie, the filmmaker, the writer, the art lover, the handicraft girl... and the list goes on. But in this world we live in, we are supposed to find only one thing and be that one thing. Like as though we had to fit within a box, regardless of what our other passions were, we couldn't say out loud that we enjoyed them. Because we can only have one passion. We are supposed to have this one image, no other.
And this caused me a lot of pain. Who was I then? I had a thousand and one images of myself, each of which I loved dearly. I couldn't give up any one of them. And so for the longest of time, I questioned myself: maybe there's something wrong with me. I didn't dare to show anyone the different sides of myself. Which did have it advantages. I now have many varieties of colourful friends. But to find that few who can truly accept me in all my idiocracies is quite a pain, because people tend to have expectations of me and how I should act or behave.
I could just simply conform to their expectations. And I did. And it was tiring. I wore myself out, and slowly, I started to hate myself. It was an endless cycle of being a million different aspects of myself, but not completely myself. Why couldn't I be like everyone else? Why did I have to be so many different things? Why couldn't I just be one thing like everyone else? Why am I so different?
Because I am.
Betty Friedan, woman's right activist, said it best:
It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question 'who am I' except the voice inside herself.
Honestly, I think it applies to both men and women. It is definitely easier to meet another person's expectation than to figure out who we are, what do we stand for and what do we want to become. Till today, I fight constantly against the pressures of conforming to another person's expectation of me. I am me. I am everything that I love and hate.
I am the quiet girl in the corner, reading a book and scribbling away in her notebook. I am the noisy girl at the party, laughing and squealing. I am the girl you share your secrets with because I give darn good advice (which I should really learn to take as well). I am the girl who love to cook and create art stuff. I am the girl who loves to dance and sing and create films. I am the girl who loves to eat and snack and discover new places to eat at and share with you. I am the girl who would cheer and scream as loud as you can at a football match. I am the girl who loves car rides and bus rides. I am the girl who dreams too much, loves too hard and gets hurt every time. I am the girl who will stand up and fight for you when you won't fight for yourself, but will never lift a finger to defend herself. I am the girl you love because I accept you in all your mistakes and failings. I am the girl who will forgive you in a blink of an eye even though you may have hurt me badly. I am the girl who will love you, when you don't think you can be loved.
And everyday, I am discovering more and more about myself. I am who I am. And I am going to be alright at the end.
You are not your job, you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are all singing, all dancing crap of the world.
- Chuck Palaniuk, Fight Club
P.S.
It's not that I don't care about what others think of me. I do. I've only learnt to care about those that matter. I just want to make sure that it's the right people.
Labels: In 365 Days, Reflection
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 13:46