fall for a stranger , scandalous❤.
mystery♥.
Nerissa Clarice Tan13th May
Simply adores curious clothes , quirky songs and funny shows .
Oh , did I mention ? She love/hates her favourite people too
oxox
those poets♥
the secrets underneath♥
dream like dreamers do♥.
A rainbow in the sky
The sound of your laughter in my ears .
just another crush♥.
This blogger henceforth shall attempt to write unashamedly,
Take lots of pictures without embarrassment,
And speak in a language you can understand.Not.
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April 2014
In 365 Days♥
"In 365 Days" is a photodiary I've decided to initiate, compiling day to day events with a snapshot of a moment of the day.
It is the snapshot of a minute in my life, that caught my eye, with a caption of sorts, either explaining the picture or describing my emotions.
I have been told that I never really open up myself to others, and more often than not, I leave people wondering what I truly feel or giving them confusing signals.
Thus, this photodiary, is in a sense, a window to my head.
All my thoughts, my emotions, everything I usually keep out-of-sight, will be put under here, other then my regular blog posts, which are usually not very informative.
Welcome, to the chaos and mess in my head. I hope you'd find something that speaks to you, whether to pull you through something difficult, or to relate to.
Welcome to 365 Days of my life.
In 365 Days
just ask♥
ask them questions
don't leave your answers
This Too Shall Pass
Monday 28 April 2014
These things always pass. No matter how much we feel like giving up and giving in. I can think of a thousand cliches to say but I have grown tired of words; meaningless, empty words.
"When words are your daily currency, it is easy to forget their power."
Every step that I take, doesn't seem to be leading me forward lately. I feel like I am only running around in circles, like a fool on a wild goose chase. There is a growing desperation in me to run away like a coward. And as it grows, there is also a growing dislike for my cowardice and indecisiveness. Never have I been so afraid of changes like right now. But I hold on to the fact that when I am weak, I am strong.
The actions of people set things into motion that they are so unaware about. As I watch them, I worry: do they not know the consequences of their own actions? Or is it like Wilberforce has said, "We are too young to realise that certain things are impossible. So we'll do them anyway"?
Nonetheless, if there was a moment that I can truly hate my observance, it would be right now. To be able to see through all their actions, no longer brings me the peace that information and knowledge usually brings. But rather, it has become a burden to decide what to do with the knowledge. And the knowledge also brings great pain to me. Sometimes, ignorance is truly bliss, and I wished I was ignorant right now. But I can't. This is, I suppose, the price I would have to pay for knowing.
"You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say again that you did not know."
I would like to have amnesia right now.
Or if that is not possible, than I wish to no longer meet people who are foolishly arrogant. Because it is they who continually and unknowingly hurt me each day.
I want to go back home where it is safe, where I am safe, where no one can hurt me anymore.
I want to go home.
Labels: In 365 Days
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 01:23
It's okay
Wednesday 9 April 2014
So don't stop trying and don't stop working. Keep going. And when the time is right and when you're ready, you will have it all. You only can't be complacent about it. You have to work to prepare yourself for that moment.
Keep reaching. Don't settle. Dream big but stay grounded. Amazing takes time,and when it happens you'll look back and realize it was worth it in the end.
Labels: In 365 Days
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 02:22
Connection
Thursday 7 November 2013
People always talk about soulmates like you'd only have one and you'd be in love with them and you'd eventually marry them.
I don't disagree with the fact that you'd be in love with them. But I realised that you'd never only have one. And you probably may not marry them, but they'll still be your soulmate anyway.
So maybe we were classmates for the longest of time,
Or we only met once a week on Saturday nights,
Or maybe we met in a club, through other friends,
And I never noticed your existence much. I mean, I knew you were there, I just didn't think you were anything special. You were people who I thought I could pass that moment with.
But somehow you've managed to wriggle and weave yourselves into my life.
Maybe I've only known you for a few months.
Maybe I've known you for a decade.
But now, it seems, you are the ones who shelter me and love me when I can't love myself.
You always, always appear in the strangest of moments, especially whenever I feel like giving up. Somehow we have this telepathic connection that you'd always appear whenever I need someone.
You are seriously god-sent and I thank Him everyday for sending you into my life.
Then as though you haven't done enough, you go on and make me the happiest person on earth by telling me that you're never gonna leave me, and you'd be there to catch me when I fall if no one would.
Or you'd turn to me when we're lying in bed, in the middle of the night and tell me that no matter what I have to be happy or that you want me to meet a guy and get into a relationship so loving that the world would be jealous.
Faced with that, how am I supposed to react?
I was giving up and you come along and drag me towards the damn light at the end of the tunnel, telling me that you have faith that I can make it through.
How can I not love you?
You fight my battles that I don't want to fight and they aren't even your battles to begin with.
And no, I'm not exaggerating or being melodramatic.
I'm stating facts.
How did I get so lucky?
People usually only find one soulmate in their entire lives.
I've found so many that I realised that soul mates aren't singular. They don't just come as one person and poof, you're stuck with them forever. They can come in droves and you'll be stuck with them forever. Because you can go for months and days not talking and when you do start talking, it's like nothing's changed. Everything's the same. You're as close as ever.
Labels: Connection, In 365 Days, Soulmates
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 00:49
Pieces of the Puzzle
Saturday 2 November 2013
We tried running away from each other but we always ended up coming back to each other. We can't seem to stay away from each other. But that could be just a one-sided thing on my part. Lately everything seems so one-sided that I'm getting tired.
We have all the pieces of the puzzle but the pieces don't seem to fit, so we sit around wondering if we really do have the all the pieces or if they got mixed up with another puzzle.
This shouldn't be so confusing. All the questions and pain should have stopped. But they haven't. And it means that something's wrong somewhere. Makes me question where did it go wrong. Makes me question if I'm the one who's doing something wrong.
What's worse is knowing where this would go if it continues on like that. But I don't know what's wrong, so I don't know how to fix things. Are we really better when we're together? Or is it just things seem to fall apart whenever they are in my hands?
Have I paid my dues, or is there still hell to pay, that's why it's still so broken up?
Maybe we got complacent and started taking each other for granted. Maybe we're afraid of getting hurt and chose to hide instead. And when we realise we've hurt each other, we come running back apologising. But apologies aren't worth anything unless we make good on our words. Apologies don't start and end with "I'm sorry". Apologies only start with "I'm sorry". They only end when you've made things right.
Everything's driving me mad that I feel like being immature about everything. God knows Igg and I talked about this and we both agreed that it's childish but that's what happens when people get hurt by the ones they care about. We're all only human.
Labels: In 365 Days, Think About It
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 15:44
20131509
Monday 30 September 2013
Why the sudden change of mind, I wouldn't know.
How it happened still seems like a blur most days.
But recalling everything makes me smile like an idiot.
So it's cool.
We're cool.
Honestly, I'm terrified, even though I don't seem like it.
I'm terrified of the fights and the arguments we'll have in the future.
The uncertainties and the things we'll do to hurt each other deliberately because the other hurt us unintentionally.
I don't know where this road will go or where we'll end up eventually.
But I'm going to take it a day at a time and handle the problems when they eventually do arrive.
I tend to over-analyze and conjure imaginary problems sometimes because I simply prefer to be prepared for anything. And that isn't very good because then I stop living life and merely get through it.
There are so many things about you that I love and I can't seem to be grateful and thankful enough for.
You make me a much better person.
And because completing each other's sentences is too mainstream, we prefer to complete each other's songs instead.
HAHAH
Labels: In 365 Days
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 14:50
Identity
Sunday 1 September 2013
I started out this blog post with the title "This too shall pass" because lately I've been on a literal emotional roller coaster ride and I wanted to pen down all my emotions and get rid of it. And I shall. But not yet, because I realised that I have something else more important to pen down first. But as I sit here typing this, I'm not too sure how to put everything in place. So I shall just go with the flow.
Forgive me if everything seems cluttered and unorganised.
I used to have a friend back in Primary School. Used to because we're now mere acquaintances and chasing after different things in life. We met in Primary Three/Four and were as close as anything. We shared a great love for books and words and stories. We came up with our own (well, mostly she did and I read them). I was too afraid to be different. She wasn't. She developed her identity really early in life, which I am still envious about. But if you asked her, she'd probably tell you something different. Like how she was the one too afraid to be herself and how she was envious of me being able to mix well with everyone else.
I enjoyed her company. Recess time suddenly became fun because I was with her (we sat in different seats in class). For a pair of nine/ten-year-olds, we talked about a thousand and one things that nine/ten-year-olds never talked about. We made things up, we debated (yes! Debated!) on our small view of the world, we were, for the lack of better words, as thick as thieves.
Then the eventual Primary Four streaming happened, and we got split up. She did really well and went off to a much better class than I did. I felt hurt and betrayed of sorts. Weren't we meant to be together forever? And I did one of the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. One that, till today, I still regret. I pushed the blame on her and distanced myself from her. I would run away when she tried to talk to me, or if she did try to catch me, I wouldn't listen. I guess I must have driven her to desperation because she decided to reach out to me through a letter, which I still keep till today. She wrote it on her favourite Harry Potter stationery no less. Thinking back, I now realise how important I was to her. And it saddens me that I single-handedly destroyed our budding relationship.
Today, she's pursuing what she loves best. As am I. She's had a head-start though as she figured out her own identity faster than I did. To me, it seemed as though she found it seamlessly, although, I know that the journey there must have been a tough one. Still, she always gave me the impression that she found her calling easily and I do envy her for it (but no longer with childish jealousy, but rather pride that I knew her once).
I struggled for the longest of time with my own. Was I a writer, a dreamer, an athlete, a dancer or what? People who know me, don't actually know me. How can they when I've yet to figure out what was I? I have many passions for a great variety of things, I knew myself that I was many things. I am the party girl, the studious student, the go-getter, the quiet wallflower, the baker, the foodie, the filmmaker, the writer, the art lover, the handicraft girl... and the list goes on. But in this world we live in, we are supposed to find only one thing and be that one thing. Like as though we had to fit within a box, regardless of what our other passions were, we couldn't say out loud that we enjoyed them. Because we can only have one passion. We are supposed to have this one image, no other.
And this caused me a lot of pain. Who was I then? I had a thousand and one images of myself, each of which I loved dearly. I couldn't give up any one of them. And so for the longest of time, I questioned myself: maybe there's something wrong with me. I didn't dare to show anyone the different sides of myself. Which did have it advantages. I now have many varieties of colourful friends. But to find that few who can truly accept me in all my idiocracies is quite a pain, because people tend to have expectations of me and how I should act or behave.
I could just simply conform to their expectations. And I did. And it was tiring. I wore myself out, and slowly, I started to hate myself. It was an endless cycle of being a million different aspects of myself, but not completely myself. Why couldn't I be like everyone else? Why did I have to be so many different things? Why couldn't I just be one thing like everyone else? Why am I so different?
Because I am.
Betty Friedan, woman's right activist, said it best:
It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question 'who am I' except the voice inside herself.
Honestly, I think it applies to both men and women. It is definitely easier to meet another person's expectation than to figure out who we are, what do we stand for and what do we want to become. Till today, I fight constantly against the pressures of conforming to another person's expectation of me. I am me. I am everything that I love and hate.
I am the quiet girl in the corner, reading a book and scribbling away in her notebook. I am the noisy girl at the party, laughing and squealing. I am the girl you share your secrets with because I give darn good advice (which I should really learn to take as well). I am the girl who love to cook and create art stuff. I am the girl who loves to dance and sing and create films. I am the girl who loves to eat and snack and discover new places to eat at and share with you. I am the girl who would cheer and scream as loud as you can at a football match. I am the girl who loves car rides and bus rides. I am the girl who dreams too much, loves too hard and gets hurt every time. I am the girl who will stand up and fight for you when you won't fight for yourself, but will never lift a finger to defend herself. I am the girl you love because I accept you in all your mistakes and failings. I am the girl who will forgive you in a blink of an eye even though you may have hurt me badly. I am the girl who will love you, when you don't think you can be loved.
And everyday, I am discovering more and more about myself. I am who I am. And I am going to be alright at the end.
You are not your job, you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis. You are all singing, all dancing crap of the world.
- Chuck Palaniuk, Fight Club
P.S.
It's not that I don't care about what others think of me. I do. I've only learnt to care about those that matter. I just want to make sure that it's the right people.
Labels: In 365 Days, Reflection
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 13:46
When You're Up All Night
Friday 9 August 2013
Staying up makes me chance upon articles after articles written by complete strangers. Articles that reflect so much of me, that after reading, I smile and say, I know that feeling. They help me understand that I am not alone here, that there are people out there who are also going through or have went through the same struggles as I have. There are people out there who have made the same mistakes as I have, and still managed to survive and get through it and come out stronger at the end.
When I think of the twenty years of my life, I, myself, am surprised at the things that I've gone through. Not because I had thought I couldn't get through them, but because they are things that not many twenty-year-olds can say they've done. They aren't things that I am proud of. But they have shaped me into the person I am today. And for that I am eternally grateful.
With my body a ticking time-bomb, I haven't a clue how long I have left. I am not angry that my time may be shorter than everyone else's. But I am afraid. And sad. Afraid that I may not have enough time to say the things that I need to say, or do the things that I want to do. I am scared of being alone when it happens. Should it happen, and should no one be able to save me, I wish to at least be surrounded by the people I love. Even though it's a really selfish thing to wish.
Last night was a scary night, where for the first time, I had two attacks in a row. And everything just clicked into place and reality just hit me: I may not have the time I need to finish whatever I want or need to do. I called B, Ig and L and told them that I really do love and appreciate everything they've done for me. I told S and E the same, and their reactions were so predictable. HAHAH
I have yet to tell my parents, because I don't want to add on to their worries. As much as I know they have to been kept informed, right now, I just want things to settle down first before telling them about my worsening condition.
I came up with a list of people that I thought I should make peace with. Honestly, I think it's a win-win situation. If I made peace and I do go, at least I've made my peace. If I don't go, then well, my life would be happier wouldn't it?
Everyone's worried because I am unusually cheery about all of these. But I am honestly fine.
To you:
I hope you don't stay angry with me for too long. I know I came off presumptuous and pushy (or at least, I'd feel that way if I were in your shoes). I know I had said I would give you the time you need. But unfortunately things have turned out this way, and time is no longer mine to give. I do stand by what I said and if you think that I'm wrong, then feel free to correct me. I don't know if you'd even see this. And I am a coward for saying this here instead of facing you directly. I think it's sad how something good turned out bad in the end. And as much as I know that we both could do our own parts to turn the ending around, I also understand that it is up to our own free will. I just never liked stories with sad endings. Maybe that's why I still watch so many cartoons HAHAH! If it would make things easier, then I wish we never met.
Labels: In 365 Days, Reflection
so we said; thee, thee, hear. 11:58